Six Scattered Poems

Unity - Minus 16 days

1. The Beginning

There was a time,
a long time ago…
when I was just a child,
a child of the lost and empty world.
When I was not me – not the ‘me’ that is ‘Me’…
I was simply struggling to just ‘be’…
When I didn’t even know what it meant to ‘be’.

Remembering the green grass and sunshine,
Mixed with memories of black coal,
Some how the light didn’t last,
And my heart was so dark.
Darker than the night.
Darker than the lost.

Such despair, such pain…
Such a world of lost fragments – gently lost…
A world of burned out cars and empty dreams.
Drifting without cause,
Life fragments from an explosion – soundlessly.
So soundlessly, so soundlessly, no one heard,
Me scream.
Sitting by a pond,
Full of dumped, discarded cars.
Staring at my reflection.
Alone. So Alone. So Alone.
Senseless of the day.
Senseless of the hour.

Why do you not hear me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?

2. The Being

When I was nine…
It was you who touched me…
made me alive,
made me afraid,
made me cry.
Your loss for a friend,
remembered in a candle,
sitting on a chair…
But you had gone,
and I was afraid…

My brother,
The screams of your agony,
In that fire…
How did you find the will to live on!
I stood frozen… transfixed.
While you stood shaking… your expression so mixed.

And so I was not ‘me’ but an ‘I’,
…was at least here to ‘be’…
a witness of all of this.
Emptied and alone.
I watched…
All of your words in my mind,
slowly turning me slowly.

Was there a turning in me?
Was there a change in me?
Where was ‘me’?
The barking and howling…
The nighttime and playtime…
All those words just struggling…
Searching,
To answer the question.
Of who I am.

More than just this being…
More than my love.
More than this disbelief.
So much more than this belief!

Ann,
Your love was without embrace,
Your arms where found to be empty.
Did you know what you had done?
Did you care?
That the flickering was about to go out…
Replaced by a silence…

Perhaps you knew…
Knew that I couldn’t live in your world.
Not like this…

I wish you could have spoken.
Shared with me.
Perhaps we could have ‘seen’ together!
Instead your adultery just tore me to pieces.
More pieces than I could count…

Why do you not hear me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?

3. The Struggle

Well Lord, I am at your door at last.
The scattered pieces of all I’ve been.
Strawn along the years
like pebbles on a beach.
I thought you left me…
like the passing tide.
Can we talk about this now?

Am I yours? Or am I lost forever?
Born this way - this lost, crying child.
Will my broken heart ever heal?
Will a flower ever grow in this wasteland,
in this desert of my soul?

Surely, to pass away,
is better than this loss…of ‘me’.
Better to cease, better to decease…

Dear Dorothy,
Did you shield me,
Believe in me,
Hold me.
You lifted me,
lifted me when there was no more,
no more of me to go on…

If I cannot ‘be’, then what should be?
What should ‘be’come of me?
I struggle to be someone I can like.
Someone who fits…
But there is no ‘me’ that can fit.
So I am trapped – lost between worlds…
Trying to stand in one – but I belong to another.

Will you answer my prayer?
Will you ever hear my heart?
Surely my despair must mean something to you?
Can you be so cold?

Why do you not hear me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?

4. The Scattered Pieces To ‘Me’

Alison,
Though you loved me,
You didn’t see me.
Your eyes were on yourself,
on your children…
Not that I blame you…
I didn’t mean to shame you.

But if this is not enough…
Not enough to heal.
Not enough to make me whole.
Then where can I go?
Where can I stand?

So leaving you, I have to see…
I have to look…
At ‘me’ to be ‘Me’…
A ‘Me’ I have to accept.
Knowing you, I have to accept.

I have to believe,
Even though there is no way,
no door for me to find.
The only open door is Despair
that stands fully open!

And yet,
…I ‘know’ where I belong!
Where I belong within myself!
It is finally clear to me…
I finally know how to ‘be’.
How to bring the scattered pieces to ‘Me’.

Why do you not hear me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?

5. The Becoming

I spoke of where I belong…
Your eyes flickered for a moment,
Did you miss a beat of the song?
Are you a little uncomfortable?
Bearing my soul!

I now follow the yellow brick road…
Bricks made of yellow pills!
They say Spring is a good time for change…
to make me whole.
to make me complete.
In ways that bring my being to ‘Me’.
Find the scattered pieces of my life.
Fill my heart and mind!
Fill my soul!

Mother,
You might not agree!
This transition, you feel, should not be!
But I am Becoming ‘Me’!
My being is finding peace,
A peace that you never gave…
My soul is resting
in happiness…

So you can’t take this from me!
You may have robbed me of everything.
You may have taken half of my life…
But the rest, this rest, is mine.

So will you still smile tomorrow?
Or will you see ‘Me’,
for who I am.
The one who made it through,
Through the wreckage and waste.
The despair and the bitter taste…

Why do you not hear me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?
Why have you left me?

6. The Unity

...toward 23rd May 2003...
Unity - Minus 16 days

The dawn light approaches now…
Soon I will be whole.
Yes, soon I will be whole.
The Unity of ‘Me’...
Approaches me…
The union of the scattered pieces of me.
There will be no more worlds to stand across…
no more days I count loss…
no more mornings of bitter frost.
This freedom I feel,
No more bars of steel…

The fear and darkness has gone.
And the sunshine a warm song.
In the mirror, I can see,
I can see hope in My eyes…
Perhaps it is you at last!
Did you stand by me?
Are you here at last?

By ‘Me’.

Why did it take you so long???
Why have you been gone from Me for so long?
Why have you been gone from Me for so long?
Why have you been gone from Me for so long?